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| talk about hiatus. *sigh* summer was good, and now I'm in the beginning of my fall semester. It's getting hard. I had my first women's history exam today, it was pretty easy. Tomorrow is a health exam, but meh. Tonight I have another architecture class. I love how everything's always at night when it comes to my major. We've completed about 2 assignments now, I should probably share with you guys..maybe within the next few days since we're required to submit a CD of our model's pictures. The class is pretty cool, but it causes me a lot of anxiety and stress. At the beginning of every project I feel like whatever I'm thinking of building isn't good enough, and I doubt my process the whole way through. Then when its time to actually present, my project is golden to my teacher. It's such a vicious cycle. I need to learn to relax. A previous architecture student is offering to help me on my project..thank goodness. At least they got an A in the class and then they can coach me in my thinking process. I like how i can pretty much make a story for anything. I'm a professional b.s'er. HAHA, riight Anyways, off to that class tonight. Till next time...so much for an update, :P | | |
| Damn, I was depressed when the Warriors lost last night, that I said screw my Architecture bed and went to bed super early. My project was supposed to be due today, but thankfully our teacher decided to give us a break and have it due Wednesday, along w/ a brief presentation. I also thought our ENTIRE portfolio was due on Wednesday, so I was prepping myself to do all nighters for the next two days, but he said it was due NEXT Wednesday, HURRAH, i'm so lucky. lol. I hate being a procrastinator. And, I really need to study for my Math final! I need like an A on it to pass the class if I'm so lucky. I hope I can pass! Everyone says I will, but you just never know. Anyways, not much to say I guess. I've been so busy w/ school lately, that I just haven't been able to catch up and write about it. My mom comes home Wednesday night, she's excited about coming home. HAHA, I don't blame her because she's been away for a long time. :P Other than that things are good. I'm not so heartbroken as I was a few entries ago, because I've realized that I was a wonderful and 100% supportive friend to that individual. Me being there perked up their life, and they benefited from having me around. Without my friendship, they don't know WHAT a TRUE friendship is, considering the circles they run around with. If anything it's their loss--not mine. So I really shouldn't be sad for someone that was verbally abusive. Anyways, Linkin Park's album comes out tomorrow! wee, I'm excited. Chester's my favorite. I ordered the album online, I don't know if its going to be here tomorrow or sometime this week. We'll see how it turns out tomorrow. Oh yeah, and my Aunt's having a b-day this Friday, so I decided to bake her this awesome cake, and I bought an airbrush system for it. Yes, I'm going for an all-out cake. LOL, its gonna be awesome! I'm going to be baking fancy cakes for fun on the side, if I get paid to make the cake even better. It's gonna be cool. Hopefully I'll be able to post pictures of it, and my process during the next few days. Its a few days process planning. Bah, I better make a list of the things I need for it tonight, and finish up my Architecture h.w. So I guess that's going to be it for tonight. | | |
| I'm watching the warriors. I hope they win. Too bad Davis has an injury, I wonder if that's going to hinder the Warriors tonight. They're playing pretty aggressive for the first half really. I hope they don't tire out later on in the game. I'm sure they have the stamina. It's amazing how the bay area is getting behind this now that they're in the playoffs. Every seat is filled! Haha, I recall going to a few games myself when I was younger...let's see who was on the team...oh yeah, Mugsey Bogues was a new addition I believe. Yeah, its been that long. I want to see the Warriors play against Toronto, New Jersey and Sacramento LIVE next season. That would be awesome. Anyways, school was okay. Speech wasn't so hot considering half the people he called didn't have their speeches prepared. Professor was mad. That means I'm still clear from presenting another speech for the time being. We may not even have to give our last speech, too many setbacks as it is. I guess we could do it for extra credit though. I was talking to my business classmate, she got into Berkeley. I'm so jealous, her major is American Studies and Chemistry though. Haha, and I also found out that upon entering, you have to sign a contract with Berkeley saying you'll be out of there in 2 years. Crazy. I'm afraid I won't be able to. I wonder what happens when you aren't finished in two years? Anyways, I'll be applying to: USC, UC Berkeley, CalPoly SLO, and some out of state colleges so that I can at least have more options. I want to stay in California, but maybe it is time I venture out on my own in a different state. In the next few years, we'll be having people immigrating from the Philippines over here and staying with us. I'm not looking forward to sharing this house with that many people. Our house may be big, but its already crowded with 7 people living under one roof. I also have issues with some of the people that are coming. They don't seem to respect my Mom or my Aunt--the ones that are supporting them and sending them to school because their parents can't afford it. They don't say thank you, and they even give them attitude. Ungrateful kids. I hope they realize how hard it is to work here in the U.S. and support a family back home in the Philippines, maybe they'd understand it more. I want to work. Even if it has to be a retail job at the mall. I don't mind. I just want the experience. I don't know if my Mom is keen on it, but I have expressed an interest. I do work with my Uncle and my Aunt, but I want to know what its like to compete in the "real world" for a job. I'm pretty much set with my family, and I'm thankful that they've pretty much have everything set. My job is to finish my education and take over the company. My "bro" and his girlfriend were saying, that with my set-up through my family, I'll be able to enjoy my life a lot sooner than most people, because I won't be starting from scratch. They both expressed some envy for it. That made me realize that I am lucky to be in the position I am, I've always been lucky. It's sad to think that even though my "bro" and his girlfriend thought I'd be so successful just carrying on what will be left behind, someone said that I "could never fully function in society" because I won't be venturing outside of my family business. My "bro" said that this person was just jealous that things were set-up for me. I agree. It's not like I'm going to only work with the people in my family. I still have to go out into the world to compete for clients, and find people to work for the company you know? I guess I just am surrounded my negativity. I couldn't even believe how lucky my bro and his gf thought i was. I thought they'd also believe that it was weird that I wouldn't be really working for other companies, but rather for myself. Everything's pretty much set up for me, its just my choice to go through with it and make the best of it as well. They also told me that they believed that I'd be a successful woman. Alot of people seem to think that, and have told me. I just hope I don't let anyone down along the way. | | |
| I'm still feeling traumatized from Monday's events. I still can't understand how someone who worries about my well-being everyday throw me away like yesterday's trash. It hurts my heart... it literally feels like someone ripped my heart out and shattered the fragile crystal it was already made of. I hate wallowing in sorrow, and I've even done a few things today that I should've have done to numb the emotions. I guess I do want to learn to be emotionless, but that's not me! I can't live without feeling something, I don't think anyone can. I agree with my Kuya, its better to be able to write these things on the net, without someone talking back, because if I were to express this to someone, they might have me institutionalized. ---- Edit// just came back from class. I love my architecture friends. They care about me so much that they're gonna devote their Sunday to me and make me do my homework, and watch me do it, and critique me. haha, that made me cry happy tears, cuz I haven't really felt like people cared THAT much about me lately. I guess I was used to the verbal abuse that I received. It's sad that I love this person this much isn't it? I don't think I could ever walk away. It's easier said than done I suppose, but I do hope that one day I find a man that'll be affectionate and loving and just spoil me. I kind of deserve it after how long I've dealt with such stuff in the past. Seems like every boy I've ever had feelings for has in the end broken my spirit. Maybe I am a sucker for bad boys, but I want a good guy. My guy friends are good guys, but for some reason them being super boyfriends doesn't appeal to me. What is it about bad boys that draw women to them? Is it because women think they can break the bad boy spirit and make them settle down? I certainly didn't feel that way at all. I mostly felt powerless, and unable to stand up to him. He was the one guy I couldn't stand up to. I don't know why I'm afraid. I guess maybe I've been afraid this whole time that I would say something that would hurt him so bad he'd never wanna talk to me again, so I guess I set myself up to be hurt instead, rather than to hurt him. Self-sacrifice--I allowed myself to be hurt so that I wouldn't hurt him. I always do this. I never learned, and I will never learn. It was more of a...I wanted to protect him from myself I guess. I know I have the ability to be really vicious if I've been crossed (its a Leo trait), but his wrongdoings outweight mine. I stopped being mean and saying mean things when we fought because I hated seeing the pain I caused him (Another leo trait--nurturing). I hate how its a vicious cycle--for him to walk away whenever he wants..but thats just how his. Sometimes I wonder if his ADHD is a major factor in his crazy behavior with me. I think his verbal abuse stems from the fact that he's grown up with verbal abuse himself. I think its been ingrained in him to just talk down to people, because its what he knows and what he's used to. I know for a fact he doesn't talk this way to his friends. I feel as if its because of our close ties to each other he just finds it easier to lash out on me because I'm close enough to him to do it, and he knows I won't leave him for any reason. But I don't want him taking that for granted I want to break this cycle, but I know deep in my heart I still want this person here. But how much of myself am I willing to sacrifice to keep him around. Like, is draining my happiness to keep him around any good? Probably not...I like how things are right now not having to worry about him and his motives, and what he's thinking or doing. I feel carefree and less stressed, but then I come back to earth and realize I'm still suffering from the seperation. I'm enduring from someone that practically meant the world to me. I hate feeling alone. Vulnerable. It's probably boring reading me go on and on about how I feel about what's happened, but lately its been hard to reach out to people. So I've been driving up to Santa Cruz to find my support. My two "brothers" who are the most objective people I turn to when I'm upset. They don't judge the other person, because they don't know what he's thinking, but they just listen to me, and help me through whatever it is I'm going through. They've been great, and I'm so thankful for my "brothers". It's like I'm writing about someone dying, and most people wouldn't understand...I don't think anybody would understand. As my friend would say ,"Hazel, you're just plain weird". That can be taken as a good compliment--where I'm unique, or bad--because I am unique. Either way, I guess I'm a complicated mind, no wonder going towards Visual Arts via Architecture is my outlet. To create and invent, and be able to communicate its meaning through buildings and words, fits me perfectly. I'm a deep thinker, and I'm passionate about what I do (although, I seriously think that my classes are archi-TORTURE). I need to get my shit together, Finals are around the corner. | | |
| I'm hurt, devastated, vulnerable. Lost. How can one person in my life can cause me so much joy, and be the cause of all my suffering. I wonder sometimes if it's worth the fight. I hate the fighting, and the constant disrespect thats bestowed unto me by ONE person. I try not to let it get to me, but everyone has a breaking point--where enough is enough. I was actually called a "psychotic bitch". I don't tolerate being called a bitch for one thing. It's very offensive when someone calls me that, even if in jest. I cannot stand for that. And the way that this person said it was more than I can handle. The one person I've given my all, a whole 100% effort only to be shunned as if I should consider being institutionalized. Let me ask you this. If someone never let your voice be heard, and always hung up on you when you called. Never gave you the chance to speak your mind, but running their mouth the same time you were trying to have a serious conversation. Wouldn't you also call constantly? Wouldn't you fight to have your voice heard? What I don't understand is how this person can demand respect from other people yet not show anyone respect. "How can I respect someone that doesn't respect themselves", they say. First of all, I respect myself. Despite the flaws that I have, and the insecurities that gnaw at me, I still respect myself. I have NOT done anything to harm myself purposely. That in itself is respect. Just because I don't stand up to my parents doesn't mean I don't respect myself . Talking back to them does NOT prove that I don't respect myself, but more that I respect THEM. I don't care what people say, YOU do NOT talk back to elders. Now THAT is disrespectful. My anger and frustration has built up so bad, and the pain is too much to handle. At this point I feel like being a heartless, emotionless bitch. The total opposite of what I am currently. Those of you who do know me realize that I am a nice, caring, compassionate female. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I've not turned my back on anyone. Sure I have my ups and downs with people, but I've never burned bridges (except for a VERY select few people that have just burned me too many times to count). I wish I didn't care about anyone but myself. I wish I was more selfish, but that's not my personality. That's not who I've grown up to be. This person hasn't realized that there is NO OTHER person like me out there, that will care for them and give them as much as I have given. It was their mistake and not mine. I am not someone who you can project all your frustration and anger onto. I will not stand to be a scapegoat. You can easily place the blame on me and my environment, but you can't even look at yourself and see your problems. You think you're perfect the way you are. But I know deep down on the inside you're just as insecure as I am if anything you could possibly be more insecure than me. You mask it by being a joker, by being the center of attention, because at the end of the day, you feel alone. At least I'm comfortable in my skin that I don't have to go OUT of my way to get people to notice me or to be my friends. I let these things happen naturally and I never force anything upon anyone. Over the past 4 years I've been pushed and pushed to the edge with you. I've never left your side. Through all our petty fights I've never done anything purposely hurtful to you. I'm always the one that gave too much to have everything taken away. Like I said, I gave 100% each time you came back, and I always felt like it wasn't enough, that you weren't even acknowledging the effort that I put into seeing you, being the best friend I can be. I've learned to not give myself completely the next time around. I could never give another person a full 100% of myself ever again. This is why I don't have the heart to get into another relationship with anyone else. You should give everything you've got into a relationship, but at the same price, I won't allow anyone else to shatter my heart from this point on. I can't handle going through the pain each and everytime I have a major fight. I don't ever want to feel vulnerable, or let anyone have the power that you have over me. To be able to start and end a relationship when you feel like it. That's not even humane. At this point, I'm not even sure if I have the heart to forgive and forget. | | |
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